Melon Gouger
by scaryfangirl2001
Summary: There's a serial killer on the loose in a small town, who gouges his/her victims' eyes out. Phan high school crack fic AU


Hello! I do not own Dan or Phil. Also, this is a crack f!c. I've never wrote one for this fandom before… so we'll see how it goes. Also, I totally ship phan, even though the boys might be kinda OOC. Also, this is a high school AU fic, because I really like writing those. Enjoy!

 _Melon Gouger Scores Another Victim_ , The headline reads on the local newspaper. A woman collects the paper from her doorstep and shuffles back inside. Her two sons – one, a fifth grader named Adrian; and two, a freshman named Dan – are sitting at the kitchen table eating cereal. A small box television is on a stacked pile of old newspapers and magazines, so it just barely reaches the surface of the table. The boys are watching some stop-motion action show through the static. The woman bypasses them on her way to the common room where her father is working on a crossword and drinking his coffee.

"That fruit killer again?" He grumbles, taking the paper. "It's been months now. No one's gonna catch 'im."

"I think it's just awful." She replies. "A serial killer in this little town. It could be one of our neighbors, Dad."

He chuckles. "Yep, could be Ol' Richie Kendall. I'd love to see his sorry ass dragged to jail."

"Stop that." She chastises him. "He's Dan's friend's dad. You know that."

"Uh-huh. Sure, Judy." He answers noncommittally. "And what time is it now?"

She glances to the clock and lets out a small shriek. At once, the TV is off and the dishes are in the sink. Both boys have their backpacks on. They say their goodbyes to Granddad and run out the door. Adrian hops into the passenger seat of his mom's car, while Dan just crosses the street and starts walking on the sidewalk. Judy quickly drives Adrian to school, whereas Dan tries not to be seen. He briefly spies his classmate Chris jogging toward the corner, and he dodges toward the bushes… only to crash into someone else.

"Hey, Dan."

The familiar voice comforts all Dan's worries. It is his best friend Phil. Phil is a year older and a total sunshine. No one really messes with him, or anyone he's with. As Phil helps him to his feet, Chris turns his heel and walks another way.

"Thanks."

Phil shrugs with a smile. "Any particular reason you tried to nosedive into some berries this morning?"

The look on Dan's face says all. Phil frowns momentarily, but he covers it up just as easily. Phil has never really been one to stay mad at anyone. Or upset at all, really.

"I wish you'd tell me who you're so afraid of." He pauses. "Did you hear about Rhett?"

Rhett is another bully and the school quarterback. He isn't in Chris's gang, and he is actually a senior. Over the summer, he made it his mission to torment Dan and his sophomore friend Louise. Phil found out about it only a week ago.

"No." Dan shakes his head, hoping that maybe the older boy was sent to military school.

"Melon Gouger."

"Huh?" Dan's eyes widen.

"It was on the front page this morning." Phil answers calmly. "That killer got Rhett a few days ago. Strange that he got all the way over here."

"He only lives… lived two blocks over." Dan gulps. "Maybe we should get to school."

Phil smiles, forgetting about the conversation as he obliges and starts on a new topic. "Zoe's collecting paperclips now."

Through school, the news spreads like butter on toast. Knowing that this mysterious killer was 'found' only seven blocks away from the school is unsettling. A grief counselor opens in the school, though no one goes to see her aside from Rhett's head cheerleader girlfriend Tiffany. After school, Phil is working in the secretary office for school credit. Dan just hangs out under the football stadium, waiting for Phil to be finished so they can walk back together.

Unfortunately, Felix and his goons – Link, Lucas and Tyler – find him. They're out to drink some smuggled beer that Tyler has kept in his locker all day. Lucas offers a can to Dan, who declines. He doesn't like the taste of alcohol. Lucas and Link then climb up the bleachers from beneath… while the other two crowd around Dan. Tyler holds him in place while Felix pours the beer over Dan's head. Some gets down his shirt and even in his mouth. He tries to spit it out, but Tyler laughs and smacks his back.

Meanwhile, Phil is in the copy room. He is the only student trusted to make copies of the upcoming standardized test answers. True to his word, he doesn't peek. As they are copying, he lets his mind wander out the window… and he sees the bullies picking on Dan. Phil sighs sadly, wondering two things. He wants to know what makes bullies be bullies in the first place and why Dan deserves it. After making the copies and bringing them to the main office, he is free to go. He passes by the detention room, recognizing Troye, Ryan and Ryland. He isn't looking where he's going as he turns the corner and crashes into Louise and Shane.

"Sorry. I'm sorry."

"It's no problem, babe." Louise smiles. 'Babe' is just a term of endearment for her friends.

"You seem freaked." Shane comments dryly.

Phil shrugs. "Just the bullies getting to me again." He meets Shane's understanding gaze. "Wish there was something we could do with all the Tylers and the Felixes of the world, you know."

Shane and Louise nod. They know exactly who Phil is talking about. Phil then shakes his head and turns back with a smile. He braces for danger every day, so every day he covers up his worries with a smile. He waves to his friends and heads out to the stadium.

"Hey, Dan. Ready to go home?"

"Yeah." He responds, now wearing a different shirt. This one is hot pink and has the word 'fierce' written across it in gold lettering.

"Cat's?" Phil asks easily.

Dan only nods as the two begin walking home. Cat is another friend. She has stuck by Dan through thick and thin, usually offering an extra change of clothes or some extra cash when necessary. Dan and Phil begin their trek back home, occasionally leaning against each other as they laugh about song lyrics and past memories. When they arrive at Dan's broken down house, Dan asks if Phil can stay. However, as per usual, Phil has a lot of homework to do. He's in a lot of advanced classes. He gives Dan a friendly kiss on his cheek before turning around and walking to his house.

 _Melon Gouger Nicks Underage Drinker_ , The headline broadcasts a mere five days later. Again, Judy shuffles past her sons who are eating cereal and watching television. She moves to the common room and gives the paper to her father, and they talk about how the killer hasn't been found yet. They talk long enough and Judy's dad asks her what time it is. As she screams, the dishes are put up and the kids are out the door after goodbyes to granddad. Adrian is in the car, and Dan is on the sidewalk.

"Hey, Dan." Phil intercepts before Chris has left his yard.

"Hey, Phil."

"Melon Gouger struck again."

Dan scrunches up his face. "Someone from school?"

"Yeah." Phil replies easily. "That guy who's always drinking. Tyler."

Dan's eyes widen. "Really? The killer got him?"

Phil nods, and then notices Dan's uncomfortable-ness. "Ryan got detention for replacing all the dead frogs with live ones in biology."

"Get out." Dan's personality shifts. "He did not!"

During school, things are a little more hectic. A few fights start in the halls. Link and Lucas act out with no middle player in their gang. Felix had started fighting them, and Shane had joined in. Tiffany and fellow cheerleader Louise got into a tantrum, ending with shoving into lockers. Cat and Phil had been dragged into a fight between Ryan and Felix, and Dan. A lot of fists had been flying, as well as food and possessions. Phil doesn't really fight though, so he had really just shielded Dan so his best friend wouldn't get hurt.

"You didn't hafta do that." Dan complains as Phil winces down the steps.

Louise is on the other side, her left wrist and hand in a makeshift cast from the nurse's office. The nurse hadn't actually done anything after five or six students had been sent there. Instead, she had left to go smoke a cigarette.

"Yeah, I kinda did."

One thing Phil promised Dan when they had met is he would protect Dan. Though he doesn't fight others, he intends to keep that promise. Louise smiles at Phil's intentions, slowly drifting away to head to her own house. Phil is willing to walk Dan to his door, but then he claims he is fit to walk the rest of the way home. It seems Phil is always bombarded with so much homework.

 _Melon Gouger Makes a Shot; Melon Gouger Rakes in a Trio; Melon Gouger Takes Off the Head… Cheerleader; Melon Gouger Sings a Swan Song_. The headlines take heed the following week. This serial killer is tacking off more and more people from the school. He got the nurse on Wednesday, and then finished off Felix's gang on Thursday. On Saturday, there were two kills. In the morning, he got Tiffany, and then the golden voice of the choir – Troye.

Judy is flabbergasted as the hands the paper off to her dad. He is always anticipating the paper now. Adrian finishes his food early. His school is farther away and is located the other way. He's got friends at his school and no one is missing. At Dan's school, over half the kids and faculty have disappeared. A good number have been killed without making headlines; there is also quite a number of kids who have begun homeschooling, as well as faculty members who have transferred to other schools.

Judy takes Adrian to school, and Phil meets Dan at the corner so they can walk together. Dan has been growing closer to Phil, afraid to leave his side. Often the two can be seen holding hands. Today is an assembly for the remaining something-teen students and ten faculty members. The school is being visited by the local police station. Eight police officers come and they want to give the profile they have for the killer, hoping that the school might be able to help them catch him.

For the most part, the cops simply reiterate what is already the most basic known about the evading criminal. There is a serial killer on the loose who uses spoons as his weapon of choice. He wears a mask made of spoons and injects a rape drug into his victim's throat. When the victim awakes, he or she is strapped to a table and the Melon Gouger comes in with a rusty metallic spoon. It is hot and laced with a drug that can slowly kill you as it builds up in your blood. With the victim strapped in, the killer gouges out the prey's eyes.

They add a few pictures as visual aid. Dan snuggles close to Phil in retreat. He calmly rubs circles in Dan's back. Louise, Ryland, Shane, Joey and Daniel are sitting with them. Cat is up front, taking everything in. She is terrified but she plans to study law in college. Then, the cops tell all with some new developments. The acidic drug eats away at the bloodstream, causing the skin and bones to freeze over, becoming brittle. Sweeping the body off the table and onto the tarp, the body basically falls apart. The killer is smart in that he distributes pieces of the shattered body in different places, keeping a lot of it to hide with the next victims.

"What does he do with the eyes?" Shane asks under his breath but with an intrigued grin.

"Maybe he freezes them and eats them." Annoying classmate Jesse responds. "Can you imagine what Tiff's eyes taste like?"

The group makes a visible jump down from him. Jesse is a senior, graduating in two months if he makes it. He is one of the only two seniors still alive – the other being Anthony. Other living classmates are Ian, Chris, Rachel, Troy, Chase and PJ.

 _Octo-Gone to the Melon Gouger_. Three days later, the eight cops who visited the school are found dismembered with their eyes missing. Some pieces of cop had been found on the primacies of a few homes in the area: Anthony's, Jesse's and Cat's. The three are under house arrest for the time being, only allowed out for school. The news about the eight cops trumps over the two teachers that had been found the same way.

Judy hands the paper to her dad and the two argue about the killer being found. The television is off and the little cereal poured has been eaten. Adrian is waiting at the door for his mom, as Dan has already walked out the door. Phil can be seen directly across the street. Dan joins him, no longer worried about the bully next door. He knows he is safe when he's with Phil, despite the number of living people in his school dwindling to nothing. They now have their something-teen students, the principal, librarian, office secretary, a janitor, cafeteria worker, and five teachers.

After separating at school, Phil heads to the advanced class he shares with Jesse, Shane and PJ. Anthony and Jesse are in the senior class; Rachel, Louise, Ryland, Joey, Daniel and Ian are in the sophomore class; Dan, Troy, Chase, Cat and Chris are in the freshman class. Chris undermines the teacher to pick on the other classmates. Cat can't help all the time. At lunch, Jesse and Anthony pick a fight with all the underclassmen and the brainiacs of the school.

After school, Phil still has homework. His teacher isn't slacking up. Ryland had come home with them as well, with his boyfriend Shane having a lot of work as well. Ryland and Dan hang out while Phil has to leave. He gives Dan a quick, friendly kiss on the cheek and turns to walk back home.

 _Melon Gouger Cleans Up; Melon Gouger Cooks Up Senior Trouble_. Only a week later, the school is out its only janitor and cafeteria worker. Also, Anthony, Jesse and their teacher have been found slaughtered. Judy is noticeably upset as she passes the paper off to her dad. Rather than watch TV, the boys now listen to the headline of the day and the victims' stories to follow. Adrian is ready at the door after only a few moments' time. Dan, as well, is out the door. He quickly meets Phil across the street and the two instantly link hands.

Phil always manages to make Dan feel safe. Lately, Ryland and Shane have been joining their little trek. They figure the odds are better if they stick to a group. This continues for weeks. Headlines pile up and the school thins out. A week before prom, Ian, Troy, Chase, Rachel, the librarian and two more teachers have been added to the murder count. There are many houses for sale in most of the neighborhoods leading up to the school. Dan's family can't afford to move, and Phil explains that his mother is too sick.

There is now only the principal; the office secretary; a teacher to look after Louise, Ryland, Joey, Daniel, Chris, Cat and Dan; and a teacher to look after Phil, Shane and PJ. Joey's and Daniel's families however, have saved up enough money to have the boys transferred. Just one week later, Ryland, Shane, Dan and Phil are still walking to school together. Cat and PJ also walk together; but Chris continues to be a bully and walks alone. Comments are thrown around the empty halls that Chris will be next.

Melon Gouger Is Not Shy. The town knows Shane and Ryland as 'Shyland'… or knew. It seems Melon Gouger has found them and dispersed of them. There are only two weeks left of school before break. Judy feels sick as she hands the paper over. Dan is about to throw up when he hears the latest victims. He leaves earlier than normal… only to find Phil pacing around in his driveway.

"You heard?"

"Shane and Ryland." Dan hangs his head. "Why? Why attack them? What did they do?"

Phil doesn't try to lift Dan's spirits this time. He offers an earbud and the two listen to 'My Chemical Romance' as they walk to school, hand-in-hand. They are forced to separate due to their class ranks. Dan doesn't pay much attention in class as he sits by Louise and Cat. Chris sits by himself at an opposite table, still not caring. In the advanced class, there are only Phil and PJ. Neither boy has a clue what their overbearing teacher is trying to accomplish.

After school, Dan, Phil and Louise walk one way, and Cat and PJ walk another. Chris stays after. There are no clubs or sports anymore. There isn't much of anything anymore. Phil and PJ mildly complain about their teachers and idle comments are thrown around about how the advanced teacher doesn't understand what is happening around here.

 _Melon Gouger Schooled Times Two_. The principal and advanced class teacher have been killed. There is now an office secretary who has been promoted to principal. There is also one teacher for six remaining students. Judy can't take the news anymore. Dan wants to stick around in town to help Phil. And vice versa. Judy then pack up and takes Adrian with her as they leave town. Dan stays with his granddad. They look through the headlines together, and Dan is more intrigued than scared. The door knocks after a while and Dan meets with Phil to walk to school.

School is no longer seven hours, but a simple three. The teacher tries to teach the freshmen and sophomores, though he is also scared of the mysterious killer. He grants a pass to the bathroom for Cat halfway through the day. There is a loud scream, and everyone jumps up. The teacher locks them in the classroom and heads for the bathroom at the end of the hall. He is sickened at the sight before him: the bathroom has been booby-trapped, with spikes coming from all angles. Cat had been dismembered very suddenly, with both eyes risen on spikes.

After calling the secretary-principal, as well as the cops, the kids had been detained an hour longer and then let free. PJ joins Dan, Louise and Phil in walking home. They have no homework, so everyone comes in to stay with Dan when they arrive at his house. They fall onto Dan's floor: PJ-Dan-Louise-Phil, playing video games and eating snacks. They try their best to forget about all the deaths surrounding them. Phil soon offers to walk the others home as it is getting dark and he is the oldest of them. Louise lives closest, and PJ lives closer to Phil. After dropping Louise at her house, some tensions rise between the two apparent neighbors. Phil and PJ live across the street from one another.

"What do you think of Dan?"

"He's fine." PJ shrugs. "You gonna start dating him?"

"Not while the Gouger is still active." Phil shrugs, dropping his sunshine persona.

"Smart. Think we'll relocate before school's out?"

Phil shrugs again. "We've only got six days left of school."

"We have two teachers and four students. This town sucks."

The boys stop in the middle of the road separating their houses. They've never really been close friends but they've been neighbors most of their lives.

"See ya tomorrow."

"Yeah," Phil nods. "Tomorrow."

PJ heads inside and Phil does the same, heading for his garage rather than the front door. He grabs a cold jar from the cold area in back and takes the garage steps into the house. Not announcing himself, he carries the jar upstairs and heads straight for his mom's room. She's lying in bed under her covers, with some sort of ice-cold machine connected to her. Phil sighs heavily, unscrewing the jar. A foul, vinegary odor is captured in the room. Phil gingerly reaches in and pulls out a briny egg-shaped object. He chops it up in insignificant pieces, to feed his mother through a tube. He does this several times before finally closing the jar and kissing the top of his mother's head. He returns the jar and makes his bed on the couch for the night.

 _Is Melon Gouger Getting Full?_ The terrible headline on Monday morning reads about the latest victim. Something different is the two silver spoons left in the sockets of the latest victim: PJ. Phil is visibly saddened on his walk with Dan and Louise. He tries to keep a smile on his face, and Dan sticks by him. Chris finally stops behaving like a bully. School doesn't last long anymore, and the teacher cannot wait to leave.

Phil walks with Dan and Louise but mentions his mother and claims he needs to help her rather than play games with the others. There are four days left of school. There is no more homework and no more real reason to go to school. None of the teenagers understand why school is so important at the moment. On Phil's way back to his house, he is confronted by Chris.

"Hey."

"Hello."

"Look, I'm sorry 'bout getting' all up at your man. Dan."

"Okay."

Chris starts to follow him. "You mind if we hang out?"

"I guess not."

Chris doesn't spend enough time with Phil, so he doesn't recognize the other boy's fake kindness voice. Inside, Phil's blood is boiling. He doesn't pay attention to a single word Chris says, cutting him off when they reach his house.

"I need to go inside." Phil pauses. "You can come with."

The bully follows, grabbing a cold jar as instructed. Phil leads Chris up the stairs, and into his mother's room. From the absolute shock of what lies before him, Chris drops the jar and makes a beeline for the door. However, Phil is already there, leaning against it.

"Meet my mother."

"Uh, what is that thing?"

"My mother needs a machine. I need to feed her. Let's go."

Phil takes a surprisingly strong grip onto Chris's arm and drags him to face his mother. He scoops up a few of the egg-shaped items, lying them on the bed. Phil starts cutting them and glances up to Chris, still frozen in place.

"You can either help me cut these up or you can help my mother."

"What does she need help with?" He asks, trying to maintain a cool composure.

"Fluff her pillow and check the IV." Phil answers without looking up.

Phil chops up the feed and sends it down the tube. As he turns around with the carving spoon still in his hand, he smirks a little as Chris lifts Phil's mother's head up to fluff her pillows. He lifts a little too roughly. Phil turns off the machine as his mother's neck cracks painfully.

"Uh… is she okay?" Chris asks weakly.

No sooner does he finish his sentence, Phil's mother's head rolls off the bed. Chris shrieks like a little girl and Phil quickly grabs a shard of glass from the shattered jar. He stabs Chris in the neck, causing the boy to immediately crash into said glass, He tries to stand or even sit up, and then he grabs an egg-shaped item. He stares at it a little closer, realizing the discomforting similarity of an eyeball.

 _Melon Gouger is Done_. The next paper headline shows a single picture, of a message written out in bloody spoons "I'm done." The final murders by the Melon Gouger are Chris and Phil's mother. There are three days left of school. Phil is downcast at Dan's door, knocking before breakfast has started. He has their paper, and allows Dan and his granddad to read. Louise arrives soon after breakfast to walk with the duo to school. Dan and Phil hold hands, leaning on each other, and depending on each other for all they have. After the last three days, the secretary-principal quits.

Under Dan's granddad's insistence, Phil moves in, taking Adrian's old room. Phil feels at home, much more than he ever did with his biological family. Louise and her mom manage to move during the summer, occupying Chris's old house. Chris's dad disappeared at some point. Under the roof, Dan sometimes crawls out of his room to sleep in bed with Phil. They cuddle. And sometimes kiss. They depend on each other.

Yes, I know I made the ending fluffy. I couldn't help it. Well, that took me two hours straight to write. Now, it is 2:57 am. I am about to go to bed, watch a little Pewdiepie (I'm in the middle of a video I was watching at about nine this morning), and go to sleep eventually. Let me know how you liked the Melon Gouger!


End file.
